Having pondered this exact question since 1983, I visit the Oracle at Easydamus, who subjects me to a battery of questions. Piercing inquiries that necessitate introspection. Would I betray a friend? Would I give to the poor? Would I rather be smart or strong? Like Conan, I am asked what’s best in life.
I answer truthfully, keeping mental track of where each question is leading. Given my frail limbs, lack of coordination, and bookish nature, I strongly suspect I am a magic-user of some sort. Neutral to Good. Definitely a human.
So you can imagine the purity of my WTF moment when I’m assigned this:
I Am A: Chaotic Neutral Halfling Ranger (5th Level)
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral A chaotic neutral character follows his whims. He is an individualist first and last. He values his own liberty but doesn't strive to protect others' freedom. He avoids authority, resents restrictions, and challenges traditions. A chaotic neutral character does not intentionally disrupt organizations as part of a campaign of anarchy. To do so, he would have to be motivated either by good (and a desire to liberate others) or evil (and a desire to make those different from himself suffer). A chaotic neutral character may be unpredictable, but his behavior is not totally random. He is not as likely to jump off a bridge as to cross it. Chaotic neutral is the best alignment you can be because it represents true freedom from both society's restrictions and a do-gooder's zeal. However, chaotic neutral can be a dangerous alignment when it seeks to eliminate all authority, harmony, and order in society.
Race: Halflings are clever, capable and resourceful survivors. They are notoriously curious and show a daring that many larger people can't match. They can be lured by wealth but tend to spend rather than hoard. They prefer practical clothing and would rather wear a comfortable shirt than jewelry. Halflings stand about 3 feet tall and commonly live to see 150.
Class: Rangers are skilled stalkers and hunters who make their home in the woods. Their martial skill is nearly the equal of the fighter, but they lack the latter's dedication to the craft of fighting. Instead, the ranger focuses his skills and training on a specific enemy a type of creature he bears a vengeful grudge against and hunts above all others. Rangers often accept the role of protector, aiding those who live in or travel through the woods. His skills allow him to move quietly and stick to the shadows, especially in natural settings, and he also has special knowledge of certain types of creatures. Finally, an experienced ranger has such a tie to nature that he can actually draw on natural power to cast divine spells, much as a druid does, and like a druid he is often accompanied by animal companions. A ranger's Wisdom score should be high, as this determines the maximum spell level that he can cast.
Aside from the fact that I'm wiser than 12 (and probably weaker than 9)...a halfling? As in Bilbo? I mean, I like a sweater vest and my pipe as much as the next guy, but that came out of nowhere. “In a hole in the ground, there lived...me?” Not bloody likely.
BUT, if you think of a halfling as just a short human who likes a slice of pie and a cup of tea while reading by the fire and wearing driving gloves and a Harris tweed suit when he goes a-motoring with Mr. Toad on pleasant Saturdays, then OK, I’m a halfling. Except I really am taller than 3’ and the doors in my house are rectangular. Still, I am daring in a way that larger people can’t match. That’s for damn sure. And—I confess it—I much prefer a comfortable shirt over bling...
The Chaotic Neutral thing was unexpected, too. But it makes sense in an odd sort of logic. As the do-whatever-you-want alignment, CN always struck me as the lazy approach to ethos. Like, “I can’t be labelled, man.”
But given that sentiment, how would a CN person think of himself? Definitely not evil, and probably with some realization of his middle-of-the-road tendencies. In other words, Neutral Good. Which is what I predicted. So the lesson here is that unless you’re a polar extreme (like a paladin, for which I rated “-25”), you probably think you’re a better alignment than you really are. Put another way, I didn't realize I was Chaotic Neutral because I’m Chaotic Neutral.
Now, the ranger thing is completely inexplicable. Looking at the class scores, Sorcerer “4” is on the right track. Wizard “0” is disappointing (though I realize that I do not understand the distinction between these two magic-user-sounding professions). Likewise, Fighter “2” makes sense, in that it’s a low score. But ranger “6”?
Easydamus is has mistaken me for Aragorn. It is true that I’m an Eagle Scout. I’m also a Vigil member in the Order of the Arrow (which, if you’re not familiar, is like the SS of the Boy Scouts). I can survive in the woods with an orange, an egg, a single match, and a pocket knife. I have eaten raw meat in a shelter made of ferns.
But the only scene Aragorn and I have in common is smoking a pipe in a dark corner of a crowded inn. Watching people and looking mysterious. Which I can definitely do. But I am absolutely sure that I cannot fight ringwraiths with torches, nor is it likely that I can command an undead army. While I could probably find a medicinal herb in the forest, there is no way on this or any other Earth that I can track orc raiders halfway across the continent. Vengeful grudge? If I had to choose, it would be against Christopher Columbus.
But there it is. Confidently, Easydamus tells me that I’m a pipe-smoking woodsman dressed like a Kenneth Grahame character who doesn’t give a toss about anything. Which sounds unlikely until you also see that I’m 5th-level at it, which means that I’m quite good. Or at least that there’s some future in it.
Bonus: I went to the Hobbit Name Generator to top this one off. You may now refer to me as "Till Maggot of Loamsdown."